You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
