I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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