New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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