How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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