My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
