I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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