You're completely useless in the revolution.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
