Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize