Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
