If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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