At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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