I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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