That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
