how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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