My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had to cum in my sink.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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