My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
