Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
whose ass print is on the piano?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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