____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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