I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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