dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I deserve this hangover.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
