it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
