i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
