his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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