I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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