Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
