Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
