how can u be prego again
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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