My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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