i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
