Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
