Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
