Will you blow on my dice?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
