i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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