Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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