Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
