considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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