By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am naked and annoyed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
