I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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