I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
