I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
