I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
