I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize