who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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