His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
