I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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