I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have post one night stand depression
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize