guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
