my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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