I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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