youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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