omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
