My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
