____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
