If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize