Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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