Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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