guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
