Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
