The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
