i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its liver damage thursday
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
