Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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