Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
