I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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