i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
