Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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